Time for Bed, Deuces
HAROLD: Nathan
JEAN: Saph
CHERYL: Shelaingeal
OFFICIANT: Madyson
KIM: Madyson
VET: Hornet
ADAM: Hornet
BEN: SP Rupert
WAITER: Jam
RECEPTION: Jam
When Jean gets diagnosed with cancer, she finds comfort in getting a new puppy. Sadly, Harold isn’t too pleased with the prospect, but over the course of the episode, we’re going to learn the fate of their relationships.
SCENE: The big C
SFX:
Tables of people chattering, and dishes with light music playing
JEAN:
And, I’ll have the osso buco, please.
WAITER:
Excellent choices. I’ll have your wines brought out to you momentarily.
HAROLD:
Thank you. (to Jean) So? What did you have to wait until dinner to tell me?
JEAN:
I (beat) went to my appointment today.
HAROLD:
Oh, right. You had that booby doctor thing. Was it as fun as advertised?
JEAN:
(sad chuckle. In mild good humor) For the price, I sure hoped so.
HAROLD:
How’d that go?
JEAN:
Well, it was a follow-up.
HAROLD:
(realizing) That doesn’t sound—-
JEAN:
(blurting out) I have cancer, Harold. At first, I was told the lump could be nothing more than a benign cyst, but after testing, they discovered I tested positive for cancer.
HAROLD:
Jean, that’s- this is going to be fine. My aunt had it when I was a kid, and- she’s fine. (trying to make light of the situation) It’s weird to hug her when she’s not wearing her special bra, but that’s only because it wasn’t taken care of right away.
JEAN:
We went ahead and scheduled chemo, and hopefully it won’t come to that. But, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t a little scared.
HAROLD:
Baby, that’s natural. More often than not, it winds up being that people take it extra cautiously, when it was nothing to be worried about.
JEAN:
I know… Except, it seems like doctor Rymer is concerned about it.
HAROLD:
I’m sure it’s nothing. He’s just trying to make sure you know he’s taking it seriously.
WAITER:
Your wine. Châteauneuf du pape, 2015.
SFX:
Wine quick pour. Sip.
HAROLD:
Jean?
JEAN:
Thank you. That’ll do.
SFX:
Wine pours two glasses.
WAITER:
Wonderful. Your food is being prepared as we speak. If you need anything else in the meantime, don’t hesitate to let me know.
HAROLD:
Thank you. (beat) (back to Jean, sympathetically) I’m so sorry, Jean.
JEAN:
No, it’s fine. I hope.
HAROLD:
We’ll get through this.
SCENE: The puppy
SFX:
Door opens. Puppy whining. Door closes.
JEAN:
(chasing puppy, excited, exasperated) Puppy! Fine. (beat) Harold! We’re home!
SFX:
Keys hung up
HAROLD:
We?
JEAN:
Yes, we. I got us a new friend.
HAROLD:
Like, a pet? (seeing puppy for the first time) Oh no. We agreed: never a puppy. (watching it urinate, now frustrated) And that is exactly why. Jean.
JEAN:
Harold.
HAROLD:
This is when an understanding wife says ‘sike, we’re just puppy-sitting.’
JEAN:
Or, this is when an understanding husband says ‘Sike, you have cancer, and you get whatever you want,’ and then pass chocolate and wine to his wife.
HAROLD:
But the cancer is temporary.
JEAN:
(shrugging, mildly upset) What if it isn’t, Harold? What if this is something I have to deal with for the very short rest of my life?
HAROLD:
That’s not funny.
JEAN:
(smugly) Thank you for seeing it my way. As a way of saying thank you for letting me keep her, you get to name it. (Enchanted by puppy) Awww! Look at her! She has the cutest two spots around her eyes.
HAROLD:
Oh look what’s over there in the kitchen!
JEAN:
What?
HAROLD:
(referring to poop) A gift… from your dog.
JEAN:
Let’s call her Wild, or something out of the ordinary.
HAROLD:
Not like Spots?
JEAN:
No, not like Spots. Something fun. Like Danger or something.
HAROLD:
Where’d he go?
JEAN:
(correcting) She.
HAROLD:
Do you think she went to drop another deuce upstairs? (thoughtfully) Actually… Deuce. Deuces. We can name her Deuces Wild. It’s like a triple entendre. Two spots, She is wild, and she pooped as soon as she got here.
JEAN:
I’m not amused. (beat) But, because I said you could name her… Fine. Deuces Wild. Don’t love it, but I don’t think I hate it. (calling for puppy) Wild! Come here, Deuces Wild!
SCENE: Consomme
HAROLD:
How’d today’s appointment go?
JEAN:
(sickly) Not great. I just want to go to bed. Can you wake me up for dinner?
HAROLD:
Do you want me- (thinking better of asking questions) Yes. Definitely.
(Later the same day)
HAROLD:
Hey Jean? I got you some food. (beat) Are you okay?
JEAN:
(tired, sick) No, I’m not okay. I’m not hungry either.
HAROLD:
Try to eat, okay?
JEAN:
No. I’m not hungry.
HAROLD:
(trying to be chipper) Oh good! I got consomme. Which is practically just salty water.
JEAN:
No. Just… leave me alone. Go play poker with the guys or something.
HAROLD:
(saddened) I’m not leaving, so let me know if you need anything.
JEAN:
A bucket.
SCENE: Jean’s Funeral
HAROLD:
(on podium mic. Sad. Not fully thought-out) I’m constantly told I’m still in shock from all of it. Like I haven’t had enough time to process it all. One minute we’re fine, and then the next, I find out she has less than three months to live. You know, Jean got us a puppy a few months ago. Almost like she knew she wasn’t going to make it through the chemo. Somebody to keep me company when she’s gone. But you know, sometimes… She… I love Jean. But, she got me this dog that poops all over the house. I wasn’t a huge fan of dogs, and arguably… it hasn’t really improved my stance on the whole having a pet that requires me to feed it, take it out- assuming it even goes to crap in the backyard-, and give it attention… I needed an untrained puppy like I needed a bullet to the head (beat) In hindsight, joking about death at a time like this isn’t probably the most opportune moment. I don’t know what to say. Maybe I’ve said too much. I’ve talked more about a dog I’ve had a few months, than my own wife of 24 years. You’d think with the death sentence we had been given those few months back, that I’d be able to grapple with her loss better. Maybe I have. Maybe I’ve already accepted her going, ever since then. I don’t know. I (beat) don’t know. I guess that’s all. Thank you for coming, everybody. She’s the whole reason I know most of you, so I guess we won’t really see much of each other from here on out. (dawning on him) That sucks. I lose my wife, and I’ll inevitably lose all her friends who made my life more interesting. But, yeah. Thank you for coming.
SCENE: The dog park
SFX:
Dogs barking. Birds chirping
HAROLD:
(still in grief) Come on, Deuce. Let’s go home.
CHERYL:
Is that one your dog?
HAROLD:
Yeah.
CHERYL:
What’s his name? Deuce?
HAROLD:
Yep. That’s her name.
CHERYL:
I like it. You don’t hear that name too often.
HAROLD:
Most people don’t name their pets after what they do on their carpets.
CHERYL:
(trying to get the joke) What they do on their car- (realizing) Ohhhh! Funny. I’m assuming your wife didn’t name her.
HAROLD:
Not really, no.
CHERYL:
That’s my dog there. The white one. He’s a great Pyranese.
HAROLD:
That’s a big dog.
CHERYL:
He’s five months.
HAROLD:
Oh. Oh.
CHERYL:
Yeah. He has a few inches left in him yet.
HAROLD:
Quite a handful.
CHERYL:
(matter-of-factly) Not particularly. He’s just a puppy, but they grow out of it, and become quite docile.
HAROLD:
Fur?
CHERYL:
Everywhere. We used to have a gray carpet. Eventually, I said ‘to heck with it, it’s a white carpet now.’
HAROLD:
Fun. Well, we’re going to go home now. (calling out) Deuces! Come on.
CHERYL:
Deuces. I love it. Are you in the park often?
HAROLD:
Not as often as we should be.
CHERYL:
I hear that. Hopefully we’ll see each other again soon. Goodbye Deuces, you cute girl. And good afternoon to (prodding for name) you…
HAROLD:
Harold.
CHERYL:
Harold. Great to make your acquaintance, Harold. I’m Cheryl. And this is Scrappy. Or Scrappy Doo, like the cartoon. My ex named him, and insisted the S was silent.
HAROLD:
Scrappy. Cra- Ah. Very clever. I’m guessing you didn’t have a say in his name.
CHERYL:
Not really, no. (relishing moment) Harold, it was a pleasure to meet you. I’ll see you later.
SCENE: Crash
SFX:
Crash of vase
HAROLD:
Deuces! Come on! (under his breath) You stupid…
SFX:
Dog panting
HAROLD:
Come on, Deuces. It’s time to go to sleep. (beat) No. I already fed you. Go to your bed- No! Not my bed. Your bed. Get off. Get off. Thank you. Bed. That one. It’s time to go to bed, Deuce.
SCENE: Trauma dumping
SFX:
Gate latching. Dogs barking.
CHERYL:
What a wonderful surprise.
HAROLD:
(forgetting name) Ummmm…
CHERYL:
Cheryl.
HAROLD:
Right. Cheryl.
CHERYL:
It’s good to see Deuces again.
HAROLD:
You can have her.
CHERYL:
Oh no. Family troubles at home?
HAROLD:
She broke my wife’s urn last night.
CHERYL:
(sympathetically. concerned with shock) Oh dear lord!
HAROLD:
Oh. No. That sounded way worse than it actually was. She had the urn. She isn’t ashes. It was empty.
CHERYL:
Oh, thank god.
HAROLD:
I imagine Deuces wouldn’t have lived to see another day, if she broke the urn with… anyway.
(beat)
CHERYL:
Why did you have an empty urn?
HAROLD:
My wife thought she might have wanted to be cremated when she died.
CHERYL:
Strange thing to just have.
HAROLD:
Not really, no. Just prepared and wishy washy.
CHERYL:
So, where is your wife now?
HAROLD:
Hartford Cemetery.
CHERYL:
Oh no. (confused) I’m sorry if this is too forward. But, I’m confused. Is she visiting with someone there, or has she..?
HAROLD:
Oh yeah. She kicked it.
CHERYL:
Oh. So, it must have been a while back.
HAROLD:
Two months ago tomorrow.
CHERYL:
Harold. I can’t tell if you’re being so laissez faire because you’re kidding, or…
HAROLD:
No. (deep inhale) I don’t know. I guess I haven’t really mourned her death really..?
CHERYL:
Do you have someone to talk to about it?
HAROLD:
Our friends would come by for the first few weeks after, but then they stopped.
CHERYL:
That’s so sad.
HAROLD:
(shrugging) Not really though. They were her friends, after all. I expected them to do that. And, to be perfectly honest with myself, I haven’t pursued spending time with them either.
CHERYL:
But you’re the husband. I’m so sorry, Harold.
HAROLD:
Thanks, I guess. I stopped going to poker nights with the guys, since I can’t leave Deuce at home by herself.
CHERYL:
Have you tried getting a therapist?
HAROLD:
Not since we went to marriage counseling towards the end there.
CHERYL:
(trying to make a dark joke) I’m guessing the counseling didn’t pan out too well, then…
HAROLD:
No, I didn’t kill Jean. You can thank god for that one.
CHERYL:
I was kidding.
HAROLD:
I wasn’t. But I’ll admit I do love your twisted sense of humor.
CHERYL:
I’m sorry.
HAROLD:
Don’t be. It was funny.
CHERYL:
What happened, if I may ask? (to dog) Scrappy! Stop that! Come here. (to Harold) Sorry
HAROLD:
No, you’re fine. Breast cancer. We caught it at stage 4, and tried to fight it back with the kitchen sink. It had already metastasized in different parts in her body. She even tried going to church in a hail Mary pass. (beat) I didn’t realize it until just now, but that’s actually a religious phrase, which is…
CHERYL:
Apropos.
HAROLD:
Yeah.
CHERYL:
That sucks.
HAROLD:
It does suck. The weird thing about- (calling to dog) Deuces! (whistle) Don’t be that way (to Cheryl) The weird thing about the aftermath isn’t just being lonely and everything- it’s that you kind of have to comfort the people who knew her, when… Like for instance… I see someone at the store- Emily, Jean’s coworker- from two jobs back. She noticed me in the frozen pizza section at Kroger, and she asked me how the chemo was going. I told her that Jean passed away, and then she doesn’t know how to respond, and starts apologizing, and I have to console her. I mean, she’s not the one who pulled the trigger, but I’m the one who has to deal with the loss of my wife. It’s just weird to have to comfort the other person, and they all apologize. I don’t want people to say they’re sorry.
CHERYL:
I get it. It is weird to be in Emily’s situation too. Like, what do you say to someone who lost their spouse?
HAROLD:
I wish there was some kind of way to communicate that an apology doesn’t make the widower feel any better. Wow. Widower. What a weird word that I get to live with the rest of my life.
CHERYL:
In my experience, I think people drop the title after they find a new partner.
HAROLD:
So, widower for the rest of my life it is, then.
CHERYL:
You don’t want to get married again?
HAROLD:
I lost faith in the whole institution of the whole thing towards the end there.
CHERYL:
Your wife was dealing with a bunch of trauma.
HAROLD:
I know. I was dealing with some too. I- it’s complicated.
CHERYL:
I understand. Give it some time before you decide to go full MGTOW. (yelling at dog, mildly angry) No! Come here, Scrappy. We’re going home. Come here. (to Harold) Harold, it was good to see you again. You know, if we are- (pulled by dog) oof!- if we are going to keep seeing each other like this, we might as well just exchange numbers, and plan on hanging out with Scrappy and Deuces. Our dogs? If… that’s not too bold.
HAROLD:
No. Um, yeah. That’s fine. It’s (fades out)
SCENE: Bed time
HAROLD:
Good girl! That’s my girl. Aright. Come on. It’s time to go to sleep. You know what, Deuces? (proudly) You’re all right.
SFX:
Collar jingles as dog jumps onto bed
HAROLD:
No! You have your own bed. That one. Off. Oooooff. There you go. Good girl. Here. That’s your last after-dinner treat tonight.
SFX:
Dog chewing. Jumps back on bed
HAROLD:
Deuces! I just told you to get off.
SFX:
Dog licking face
HAROLD:
(reluctantly) Okay. Okay! Gollee! Fine. Just. Don’t put your butt in my face. Now it’s time to go to sleep, Deuce.
SCENE: At the vet
VET:
Okeedokee. That should just about do it. I think we’re all set. She’s a healthy girl. Clean bill of health.
HAROLD:
Great. What do I owe you?
VET:
You can just take care of that with the receptionist on your way out. By the way, the last time Deuces came in, she was with… your wife, I want to say?
HAROLD:
Yeah.
VET:
(sympathetically) How is she doing?
HAROLD:
Thanks for asking. To be honest with you, I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to her since she died.
VET:
Oh! Wow. I’m so sorry.
HAROLD:
Thanks. Not your fault. Anyway, yeah. Thanks. (to dog) Good girl! You were such a good girl.
SFX:
Leash and collar jingle as they walk down cold hall. Distant barking behind doors
SCENE: The text
HAROLD:
(jokingly to dog) Hey honey, I’m home.
SFX:
Collar jingles as dog runs towards him
HAROLD:
(to Deuces) So, the doctor told me something strange just now. She said I needed to get out there, and start talking to some ladies. She thinks I’m ready to date again. What’s that? You want me all for yourself? Awww… Honestly, I wouldn’t even know how to find women nowadays. I’m not going on Tinder or anything online like that. You ready for dinner? Let’s get you some food. How about turkey? (condescendingly like you do to your dog) Turkey? You want some turkey? Yes you do.
SFX:
Dog food scooped, and poured into dish
HAROLD
There you go. Okay, so focus. Hey. I invite your dumb butt to dinner so I can talk to you about my lady troubles. Can you focus, or are we going to have to go dutch again? (beat) That’s what I thought. So, how do I find me some ladies? You’re a lady- you should know. I can’t just go to the dog park like you d- Umm… hold up… (thought processes) This is going to sound incredibly stupid. But… did you know Cheryl is a lady type? What do you think? Cheryl? Do you like Cheryl? Or, should I more appropriately ask… Do you like Scrappy? That made your ears perk up. Would you like to hang out with Scrappy more often? Yeah? Okay. Let’s see if that’s even an option.
SFX:
Phone goes through contacts. Texting. Send
HAROLD:
(feeling foolish) Whoa. I just asked Cheryl to go out with me. Via text. What the heck is wrong with me? Dangit, Deuces.
SFX:
Text ding
HAROLD:
Oh! I guess it worked.
SCENE: Wedding
SFX:
Wedding music plays. People shuffle in pews
CHERYL:
(timidly whispering) Hey
HAROLD:
(whispering excitement) Hey yourself! You look stunning!
CHERYL:
(still whispering. Referring to wedding dress) What, this old thang?
OFFICIANT:
(clearing throat. Cheekily) If you two don’t mind?
HAROLD:
Not at all. Do your thing.
OFFICIANT:
Thank you. (in public voice) Dearly beloved. We are here to celebrate the coming together of two wonderful people we have all grown to know and love. Cheryl and Harold. We take the ring that signifies the eternal unity of the two of them (pause) If I may have the ring please?
(Awkward silence)
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
(distant) We can’t find her
HAROLD:
(Whistle)
SFX:
Dog runs towards them. Collar jingles. Audience “awws” in unison.
HAROLD:
(whisper yelling) That’s a good girl! Thank you. Okay. Go, sit. No. Over there.
SFX:
Dog walks away. Audience “awws” again
OFFICIANT:
Thank you. We take this ring and (fades out)
SCENE: Poker night
SFX:
Poker chips clacking. Cards shuffled
ADAM:
Good to have you back, old man!
BEN:
Missed you this last month.
HAROLD:
Thanks, guys. Good to be back. Anything new since I’ve been gone?
KIM:
Ben’s still cheating, if that’s what you were hoping changed.
BEN:
(unamused) Oh, ha ha, Kim. That was once, and only because- you know what? I’m not going to defend myself anymore about this.
ADAM:
We all know! They (mockingly) fell off the table while everyone was—-
EVERYONE IN UNISON BUT BEN:
in the kitchen.
BEN:
Shut uuuuuup. Let’s play.
KIM:
(confused) Where was I? Where’d you go?
SFX:
Cards dealt
HAROLD:
It was my 10th year anniversary. You were here when I told you guys.
SFX:
Poker chips tossed in progression
KIM:
No. Where did you go. Not how long have you and Cheryl been married? You don’t have to brag about how recently you got married.
SFX:
Three cards flipped
HAROLD:
Ohhhh… Okay. Ummm… 20
SFX:
Poker chips tossed in
HAROLD:
Germany and Belgium.
KIM:
I fold.
ADAM:
Sprechen ze Deutsch?
HAROLD:
No. It was a good trip though. A lot of beer. You know they were feeding us brats and beer- for breakfast? For real though… I’m sure it gets boring.
KIM:
Beer? Boring?! No!
HAROLD:
My dog’s at the door. You guys mind if I let her in?
ADAM:
She peed on the floor when she was here last.
HAROLD:
(wincing) I know. I brought a pad this time.
ADAM:
Yeah.
SFX:
Push back from table. Walks away. Door opens. Slow dog walking in
BEN:
Speaking of beer, Harold?
HAROLD:
I got you, brother.
SFX:
Refrigerator opened. Beer pulled out. Fridge closes. Beer popped open
HAROLD:
Your beer, sir.
SFX:
KIM:
How’s Deuces holding up? (gentle excitement to dog) Come here, my lucky charm!
HAROLD:
Not great. She’s been going downhill fast.
KIM:
Yeah. She’s really looking her age.
HAROLD:
It’s like I was playing Frisbee with her last week, and then a turn for the worse ever since then.
KIM:
We had to put Waffles down last year, and it sucks. He was running up and down the stairs until he just couldn’t handle life anymore. It’s so heartbreaking.
HAROLD:
Ever since I lost Jean, nothing’s really affected me. It’s sad, but… not losing your wife sad.
BEN:
I was at Jean’s funeral, Harold. The whole time, you did nothing but complain about Deuce, and how you hated Jean for it.
HAROLD:
(chuckling) I don’t think I did all that.
KIM:
(assuring) Re-read the transcripts, Harold: You did.
HAROLD:
Ah well. She didn’t turn out too terrible. (to dog) Did you, girl? (thoughtfully) No you didn’t.
ADAM:
Are we playing this game, or what?
SCENE: Last door on the right
SFX:
Vet clinic ambience
RECEPTIONIST:
(sympathetically) You and Deuces can go through the double doors there. Go down the hall, and it’s the last door on your right. Your vet will be with you two soon, okay?
HAROLD:
(sad) Come on, Deuce. Come on, that’s right.
SFX:
Slowly walking dog. Door swings open, and closes gently as they continue walking down hall. Dogs bark from behind doors
HAROLD:
That’s right, girl. This way.
SFX:
Dog sniffing
HAROLD:
You’re okay, girl. We can stay here a minute. Yeah. You’re okay. (beat) Come on. This way, Deuce. Last door on the right.
SFX:
Door opens. They walk in. Door closes
HAROLD:
Do you want to lay down? Yeah, that’s good.
SFX:
Door opens. Vet walks in. Door closes
VET:
Hey again Harold. (sympathetically) Hey girl. How you feeling? I’m just going to check her heartbeat real quick. Okay. Yep. It’s time. Once we’re done here, you can leave Deuces, and we’ll get you the pawprint as requested. It’ll be ready tomorrow for pickup. But once we’re done here, you’ll be good to go. Any questions? (beat) No? Okay. (beat) Do you two need a minute before we go ahead?
HAROLD:
(to dog) Hey baby. Do you need another minute, or are you ready? (to vet) I can’t stand her in any more pain. I think we’re ready.
VET:
Okay. Alright, Deuces. I’m just going to put this pad under you.
SFX:
Pee pad tugged under dog
VET:
I’ll give her a quick shave on her leg. That’s a good girl. You can hold her if you’d like. I’m just going to shave her here on her arm, and then I’ll insert the needle.
SFX:
Shaving fur
VET:
She won’t feel anything. She’ll just go really gentle. Are you ready?
HAROLD:
(whispering through tears) Yeah. (beat) It’s time to go to bed, Deuce.
(Long silence)
VET:
I’m just going to check now for a pulse. (beat) (softly) She’s gone. I’ll give you two however long you need. Whenever you’re ready Harold, you’re free to go. Take your time.